Men are From Mars, Women Make Dinner

I think it's great that we men are so far superior to women in every meaningful way. Fact is, every heterogeneous system in the universe eventually separates, with the weaker element sinking to the bottom. In terms of the battle of the sexes (and I use "battle" loosely, considering the term implies an uncertain outcome) we men have climbed our greasy way to the top of the salad dressing, there to perch until we're all poured out onto the lettuce of infinity.

I'm sure we'd all agree I'm not saying anything that isn't blatantly obvious to anyone with half a brain. Okay, so some of you ladies may have missed it. Let's quickly run through some of the ways men are superior to women.

We are naturally stronger. What do very strong women look like? Men. We are funnier, especially those of us of Hebrew descent. We can turn even the simplest bodily gaseous emission into a sublime comedy. We can instinctively burp the alphabet. We require no special technology besides a bush or a patch of fresh snow to relieve ourselves, and we can do so in either print or cursive.

Women like to defend their scattered, slipshod mental processes by saying "well, we're great multi-taskers". Big deal. Throw a lot of poop and you'll hit a lot of stuff. Ever here the phrase, "Jack of all trades, master of none"? Fitting. Men's minds, on the other hand are like sacred sieves, filtering out the unimportant flotsam of daily life, allowing us laser focus, bringing our unparalleled force of will to bear on...

Sorry, I just farted. GOD it was funny! See what I mean? There is a reason men, on the whole, make more money than women. Why we dominate politics and the business world. Because we're crooked tyrants who will stomp on anyone to get ahead!

No, I mean because we possess a superior grade of grey matter sloshing around inside our head parts! Look. Some readers may take exception to what I'm saying here. But can I worry about that? Does a human being worry about what a small field mouse thinks of him? Does the sun care a whit about the fact that one day it will supernova, taking out an entire planetary system of lesser celestial bodies? Is it not painfully obvious why it's "Brangelina" and "Bennifer" instead of "Angelad" and "Jenjamin"?

Here's what it all comes down to. Men are superior to women because today is April Fools Day, and that's the only day you can write drivel like this and have it not get laughed off the page.

Happy April Fools Day, all you strong, competent, powerful women!

**fart**