Wonders, Questions, and Balance

When I was younger I used to wonder about the many different "whys" in life, I would have deep conversations with older people or just listen to their fascinating analytical thoughts about the world. I would be completely enthralled and write about my findings and dreams when I had alone time. I was such a deep thinker in high school and I would only surround myself with people similar to me.

I feel the older I get the less patience I have for listening to profound wonderings and the less I come up with my own. I guess once you become an adult you lose your focus on the true unknowns of the world and only allow yourself to focus on what tasks will get you through each day. I miss those times and the person I used to be. Jason is very much a thinker and thought provoker. This is one of the many reasons why I love him and it's also why he can drive me crazy at times. He tries to get me thinking all the time and I somehow very rarely latch on to his ideas or questions about the world. I really wish I could escape like he does. But it's hard when you feel we'll never get to where we are going or get the laundry finished if we keep escaping into our own heads. I wish for a balance, a way I could escape with him every so often and at the same time be responsible.

Really, a nice all-inclusive vacation is what we need. Jason, this does mean that you have full range to talk my ear off once we are on this vacation. You can moderately tell your wonders and I will be able to do the same. We will also have to add in some time for peace and quite, which is also one of my favorite things.

Lucid Dreaming: The Most Fully-Conscious Adventure You Can Have Inside Your Own Head Without Being Schizophrenic

Wow. I haven't thought about this topic in a long time. Ten or twelve years ago though I was really serious about it. I kept a dream journal, tracked recurring symbolism and cultivated a habit of checking my waking / dreaming state. To what end?

Becoming lucid in a dream. Becoming aware of the dream state while in the dream, generally with the aim of taking conscious control of the dream world. I'd done it before, I thought. I remembered dreams where I said to myself, "I'm dreaming." But until I actually went lucid for the first time I had no way of knowing that my previous "lucid" periods weren't real. Prior to that, my exclamations of lucidity were just lines in the script of my dream. I may have said the words, but they weren't true.

But when it happened for real, it was mind-blowing.

Training yourself to lucid dream is simple in practice, but takes a strong commitment. To start, you keep a dream journal. This helps your remember your dreams and familiarize you with your unique dreaming vocabulary. And the more you write your dreams down, the more dreams you remember. It's like exercising a muscle...or biting your lip. The more you bite it, the more you bite it.

As you keep up with your dream journal you need to start developing a habit of testing reality. What I did, and I got this from a book I read, was to, whenever I thought about it, and as often as I could, look at my watch and try to get the second hand to run backwards. I mean really try. Truly believe that it might actually happen if you work at it hard enough. If the watch refuses to cooperate, which it usually does you think or say to yourself, "I'm awake." Sounds a little ridiculous, right? But here's the rub. You train yourself to perform these reality checks habitually because eventually waking habit will make its way into your dreams. One day you'll perform a reality check and, against all expectations the second hand will run backwards. And then you'll know.

That's exactly what happened for me. After months of diligent reality checking I one day found myself in an office building. I don't remember any more what I was doing there but I knew I'd been there many times before. As I was walking down a hallway of cubicles I thought to conduct a reality check. As always I earnestly tried to more my second hand backwards. I was flabbergasted when, after a few seconds, it did! And then it dawned on me, for real this time. "I'm dreaming!" "None of this is real." As much as I'd believed, as we all do, in the authenticity of our dream worlds I suddenly knew without a shadow of doubt that it was all an illusion.

It was the closest thing I think I've come to an epiphany. The entire world around me at that moment; the people, the cubicles, my memories of the office building. None of it was real. The best way to imagine what it was like if you've never experienced it is to imagine what it would feel like if, sitting (or standing) where you are right now, with your waking world all around you and your life's worth of memories, you suddenly discovered without reservation that it was all just a product of your own mind. That none of it existed apart from you. That every item you've ever come into contact with, every conversation you've had, every friend you've ever made was just a fragment of your own consciousness.

I was ecstatic! After months of trying and being disappointed I'd truly done it. I remember I ran down the hallway toward a rear window and leaped out, without any fear. I knew I was in complete control of the universe at that moment, and I flew. It was really amazing.

I went lucid a number of times after that, but was never able to stay in the dream for very long. It's a common stumbling block, I learned. When your conscious mind invades your dreaming mind your brain seems to have difficult time resolving the two and you often wake up. That's the next step in training. Learning, over time, to maintain conscious control of your dream and stay asleep. I didn't have it in me, I guess. I enjoyed it when it happened, but I made little progress. Eventually I fell out of the habit and haven't picked it up since.

I think one day I'll get back into it. Taking conscious control of your dream can be a powerful tool. Plus it's just fun. Again, imagine suddenly realizing, right now, where you are, that the entire universe is yours to do with as you see fit. You can do literally anything your heart desires. It's a pretty potent experience. Here's something I always wanted to try. I found this exercise in a lucid dreaming book a few years book. Once lucid, you allow the dream to unfold as it normally would, without interfering and then, at pivotal points, freeze the action, approach the characters (who are ultimately just manifestations of you) and ask them to tell you, in their words, what they represent. I would make, I'd think, for some pretty interesting conversations.

I'd be curious to know if any of you have had any similar experiences. Let me know in a comment or an email or something.

Simple Pleasures, Part 2

This is the second entry to fall under the moniker, Simple Pleasures, though I'm sure it's not the second entry dealing with the subject.

As defined in Section five, paragraph two of the Blog Creation and Made Up Document Charter for this site, simple pleasures are those small moments in life, usually fleeting and entirely unpredictable, that help make the intervening time worthwhile. They don't have to be especially meaningful. They just exist as rest stops and pee breaks on the road trip of life.

One of these, for me, happens more often in the fall than any other time. The temperature is dropping, especially at night, becoming more unpredictable. You're not sure whether you should leave the air on, shut it off, or open the windows for a comfortable night's sleep. Going with the windows open saves energy but opens you to the risk of a muggy room or one a bit too warm. Or the opposite. And that's the scenario I'm talking about here.

You go to sleep with just a top sheet, comfortable. At some point in the middle of the night though, you wake up. You're cold, though your brain my only partially recognize thatt as the reason for your inability to return to sleep. You toss and turn for a while, trying unsuccessfully to pass back out. And then, happiness. You realize in your half stupor that an extra blanket is all you need to remedy things and return to that dream you were having about the battle in space with the lasers and the flying. You reach down, pull up the comforter hanging limply off the bottom of the bed. Instant bliss. The cold recedes. The goose bumps dotting your arms melt away along with your consciousness and the warmth of sleep returns.

That's a moment worth coming back for.

Random Dream Worlds

Dreams can be so far fetched from your reality. How in the world do you even fathom the ideas our dreams contain? It's fascinating to me. Two nights ago I dreamt of all my old friends from High School, some folks that I met up with at my HS Reunion a few years back and others I have not seen in 10 years were present. I can't quite remember the context, but I remember it being bizarre. Last night I dreamt that my dad, mom, sister, some other random handy men, and I had to paint the interior of a Giant Food store to celebrate my grandpa's birthday (who has passed away in reality). Very strange. How in the world do our minds come up with this stuff. It's really crazy to me. I have so many obstacles approaching in my real life like teaching or getting my next photo gig. You'd think one of these current dilemmas would haunt my dreams, but no, they are all completely random. It's just crazy to think about, but completely fascinating.

Giving and Helping

This will have to be a short one, since my motivation this week to get actual work done has been scarce and I would really like to accomplish something today.

I really want to help people and give to people for a living. I don't want to continue working in an industry that creates commercials or documentaries that entertain, but don't really contribute to society. I know I once worked around movie stars and that was exciting, but I feel that chapter in my life is finished. I want to either pursue my photography career or go into the medical field. I'm really giving to people with my photography and it feels good. I'm capturing memories for these folks so they have their best moments with them forever. Give me luck as I pursue my next dream of giving and helping mankind.

The Reset Button: Ultimate Relief

You're hurtling down some unknown highway at night. The headlights of oncoming traffic, mottled and blurred by the ferocious rain, streak past you with a callous indifference to your situation. You're being chased by something unidentified. You haven't seen it's face, but you know it's there, racing along behind you, ready to strike at any lapse in your concentration. You try desperately to focus on the road, to keep control of the vehicle that seems to get faster and more unwieldy every moment. The car slides on the slick pavement. You're terrified, surrounded in front and behind by certain death. You make one last vain attempt to keep the car on the road, crossing into oncoming traffic, and then beyond, jettisoning through the guardrail and out into space. A horrible menacing space you'd hoped you'd never have to face. You brace yourself for impact with the ground rushing up below.

And then you wake up.

This sort of massive relief is something we've all experienced many times in our lives. The scene above is straight from a dream I had a few years ago. The experience was so intense it stuck with me all this time. I can still see the headlights and feel the fear as if I'd just had the dream last night. But then you awaken from whatever misery or terror you're experiencing and the horror is replaced with relief. A palpable sort of relief, both in its stark contrast to your previous emotional state, and its familiarity from previous dream experiences.

Of course the feeling itself is positive. It's wonderful when you discover that a particular hell is just an illusion and that your world isn't actually crumbling around you. When that fear gives way to relief, the planet shifts for you, and you feel like you've been given a second chance. It can be a very potent experience.

But there's another positive tangled into all this. Thankfully most of the the really awful things that happen to us have a reset button, because nearly all of life's terrors occur in dreams. At least in the developed nations of the world. Nations not consumed by war, disease or civil unrest. We should remember that some people's waking lives are the nightmare. But for most of us living in peaceful societies, our night terrors are the worst things that happen to us. I've never had the experience of wishing I could awaken, in vain, from a real-life situation because nothing unpleasant enough has ever happened to me. I'd be willing to bet a lot of people would say the same thing. That's something to be thankful for. That every really awful thing that's ever happened to you has come with a reset button.

I hope that situation continues, for me and everyone I love. It'd be nice if everyone on the planet could share that experience, too.

Perfect Slumber

I love sleeping, especially when I feel completely content with my day and have little to no stress. This perfect sleep usually comes on the weekends.

I used to take naps on the couch when I still lived with my parents, and I would have the most lucid dreams. I would always know I was sleeping. I would see rats or something crawling all over the floor around me, but since I knew I was hallucinating, I would think it was really cool and trippy as opposed to being grossed out or scared out of my mind. I don't seem to do that much anymore, probably cause napping usually doesn't fit into my lame adult schedule. I do enjoy a good nights sleep, though. I've always been a very heavy sleeper. I became even more so when I lived on 1st ave in the East Village, except for the nights I would hear rats in the kitchen, real rats, not hallucinations. Those were pretty restless nights.

I could sleep 12 hours a night if I never set an alarm clock. If I don't set an alarm on the weekends I can sleep till noon. I feel really lucky to be able to do this. Lately I've been having really interesting dreams, too.

All the mom's reading this right now are saying "those days will end the second you bring a child into your life." I know you're all right about that, so in the meantime I am just going to revel in the amazing beauty sleep I can get today. Sleep tight everyone.